Can friends be lovers , vice-versa is a never-ending debate that's not going to be resolved anytime soon.
Most psychologists would say that was unusual. The reality is that when friends become lovers the shift in their emotions is usually gradual. In fact, it's so subtle they don't even notice it's happening until the moment a kindly hug becomes loaded with intention. Mo Kurimbokus, a relationship counsellor, says, 'Think of it like foreplay. All the time you're being friends, you're learning about each other. Subconsciously you're deciding whether you can take it further, from a friendship on to a more emotional and sexual level.
Of course, your long-term girlfriend is likely to become your best friend, but what about when your best friend becomes your girlfriend? She has always been one of the guys, the girl you could hang out with even if you just crawled out of bed wearing a ripped, worn-out t-shirt (the one your ex-girlfriend always told you to throw out).
She complains to you about menstrual cramps and you don't cringe. You tell her openly about what you had to do the other night before bed after your date left abruptly without allowing the evening to progress fully and she confesses that she had to do the same thing because her boyfriend has mono.
One night you see her sexily clad and realize that you're unable to stop thinking about her. You begin to see her in a different light. You begin rushing home to check the machine in case she has called. That's it, you've fallen for your best friend hook, line and sinker but is this relationship feasible?
Of course, the overlap in what we want from both friends and partners is significant. In a poll conducted for the women's website handbag.com 83 per cent of female participants believed that a purely platonic friendship could exist between men and women. But, when probed further, one third said they secretly lusted after their male friends. It seems that physical attraction is often a by-product of a cemented companionship. Yet not every close friendship will develop into the kind of romance that would give Danielle Steele a run for her money.
It's a thin line to walk anyway. That comfort zone that everyone seeks ideally in a relationship is most practically found when we are with our friends. Think about it, who is it that knows your inner-most feelings? The guy you love or the friend who comforts you? It's this comfort zone that makes it difficult for a lot of people to realise they are crossing the friendship line and moving towards a deeper emotional bond. Am I in love with my friend?
It's the sexual chemistry that ultimately sends you over the edge,' states Christine Northam, a counsellor working for Relate. 'And there are certain people, friends or otherwise, who you could never imagine as a sexual partner. The chemistry just isn't there. In the business, we call it "couple fit". Each of us has a psychological make-up that has been moulded by life's influences and experiences, and most of the time we're not even aware of it. We unconsciously sum up this blueprint in another person, and if there is a "fit" we make an emotional connection. Because long-standing friends have had plenty of time to develop this bond, they already know they have plenty in common. Their judgement tends to be more reliable.'
It happened: You two are kissing—and maybe more. While it might be nice to think you’ll click instantly since you know each other, familiarity can work against you. “The first contact might be awkward,” says Mantell. “Our society is more accustomed to romance built on pure fantasy, and that is harder to do with a friend.” Mantell urges that transitioning couples shouldn’t give up right away if the chemistry is off. “Acknowledge the uneasiness, make a joke saying something like ‘Well, we know each other too well to be relaxed.’” Another option is to promise each other you’ll go really slowly until you get used to this new situation. “A classic sex therapy technique is foreplay only, no intercourse, until both people are really comfortable,” says Mantell. Try it until you have to break the no-intercourse rule... and then you know the technique worked.
One major caveat: While having sex doesn’t have to mean you are officially an item, the fact you’re already so close can raise romantic expectations. So whether you’re interested in pursuing a serious relationship with this person or just out to satisfy your curiosity and keep things casual, it’s crucial you communicate your expectations and hopes—and have a handle on his or hers—before getting hot and heavy. Just say, “I’m really attracted to you but want to make sure we’re on the same page so nobody’s feelings get hurt…” and explain your stance from there. You two may forge ahead even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, but at least it’s on the table. Everyone you sleep with deserves that much, but friends especially do, don’t you think?
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